Greetings all, I apologize for my absence but I just got released from rehab for a sex addiction (compulsively masturbating in my own feces) not unlike our favorite David Duchovny.
Studios are hoping to redeem shitty franchises that raped the souls of comic book fans everywhere by rebooting failed flicks. But you know what? It needs to stop. Warner Bros. has announced that because Bryan Singer’s whatever sequel Superman Returns made no sense (was that dumb ass kid Superman’s son with Lois; did Lois know that Clark and Superman were the same person; why was Cyclops in the movie, who gives a shit?) and was two and half hours too long they’re redoing the franchise from scratch. Great, cool, another Superman movie. I wonder what will happen? Will he save people from disasters? Get sick from Kryptonite? Fly around? Hm, I wonder. They’ve also announced that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are getting a third revamp as the computer animated flick that was released last year made audiences shit blood. Yeah, we all grew up with those loveable green amphibians and they helped shape us to the nerds we are today, but it’s a dead franchise. Let it rest in piece. You don’t see Christians revamping the Bible left and right, well, okay, that’s a bad analogy, Christians are the worst. We’ve got Punisher: Warzone; a remake of the shitty Thomas Jane version that was a remake of the shitty Dolph Lundgren version. I’m at a point where I’ll just fucking watch Death Wish, it’s The Punisher without all the shitty aspects of a movie trying to redeem another movie. My tip for all of you: Don’t see Punisher: Warzone – Rent Death Wish.
And we’ve all been covering the news on the developing Ghostbusters III: The Search for Curly’s Gold here at BSR! and I have to say that I’m looking forward to it ever so much, because not only will we have all the original cast members returning to rape a perfectly good franchise from our childhood (a la Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) but they will return swollen from years of age and flops (we’re looking at you Ernie Hudson). And, I’m sure we can look forward to it being a 90-minute preview for Ghostbusters IV, starring Seth Rogan, Dave Chappell, Will Farrell and Owen Wilson. What a cast!
Well, until the next unwanted opinion of everyone’s favorite robot (it might be about Wolverine: Origins). Cheers!