And Here we go!

10) The Phantom Menace
As far as the movies go, this is a low. Not just because of annoying characters introduced (not excluding them either) but simply because it was boring. Most people forget how boring it was. The reason for this, I think, is because of how boring it actually was. Kind of like a boring catch-22.
One thing I hear a lot is that Jar-Jar was the reason the movie was bad. But In a way Jar-Jar makes this movie better. And in no way do I mean that he was entertaining or fun. The reason he makes it better is that his being so ridiculously annoying distracts from everything else that went wrong in the picture. I mean it’s easy for me to think the pod race was cool in contrast to Jar-Jar. It wasn’t until the Pod Race video game came out that I realized the veil that was pulled over my eyes.

9) Anakin Skywalker Through The Ages
Starting with how annoying he was in Phantom Menace, and god was he annoying in Phantom Menace. “It’s working, It’s working!” Geez. It’s hard to imagine how it could get any worse. But it does. Hayden Christensen. It makes me think that ‘Bad Acting’ was a listed requirement to get an audition. If the prequels weren’t a mistake he sure made them feel like one. Not to mention the cartoon voice actors that now have to imitate his stiff line reading (as opposed to acting.)
“A little more stale and more rehearsed.” I can hear the voice director saying.

8) C-3PO
I actually enjoyed him in the first three movies. Somehow. Before George Lucas had to rub our faces in the fact that he is capable of creating the most annoying characters ever conceived in the sci-fi genre. It’s truly amazing how much of your time George was allowed to waste depicting how much trouble C-3PO could get into when his head was placed onto the body of a battle droid. This wasn’t funny. This was stupid.

7) Jar-Jar Binks
I don’t think I need to say much about Jar-Jar, but I do wonder if it’s a coincidence that this character was introduced to the Star Wars universe only a short year after Ferngully 2: The Magical Rescue?

6) The Special Editions
I could get behind the whole special edition thing if it was going to bring something better to the universe. Even if that thing was just digitally adding dewbacks into the background. I mean who wouldn’t want to see that? Well that is pretty dumb. But what I really don’t like is the new Jabba’s palace scene. I think that was the most flagrant waste of time I have ever scene. Tantamount to giving Urkel a wedgie.

5) Because it has no balls
When you pit R2-D2 against a super battle droid it’s literally painful to watch them not blow the shit out of him. Wiping the Gungans off of the face of Naboo wouldn’t have hurt either. Although I will say that Luke blowing up the Death Star strangely works for me.

4) The Star Wars Holiday Special
Some might think it’s low of me to bring this up as a reason Star Wars sucks.
“Oh come on, everyone makes a mistake now and again.” They might say.
But since it was made, and some unfortunate people had to suffer through all two hours of it, I think it’s a healthy reminder to us why we shouldn’t support franchises. As one who had the dishonor of watching several minutes of this myself, I would like to remind some of you of just how bad it was.
Does anyone remember Chewbacca’s son Lumpy? Or his father Itchy? And I wonder why his wife wasn’t brought up in the actual movies?

3) The Ewok Adventures
While watching this I want everyone to take note of the fact that George Lucas has a writing credit.
He did this to you. (He’s also personally responsible for taping Carrie Fisher’s boobs to her chest in the first film.)
I want everyone also to note the fact that Swank-mo-tron bought it on both VHS, and then DVD. “For the kids.” He said.

2) The Clone Wars: Theatre Release
Jabba the Hutt’s kidnapped son? They wanted people to pay to see this?…Really?….Really?

1) Star Wars is Forever
The thing that sucks the most about the series is that it doesn’t know when to stop, and will never stop. No matter how much torture it puts us through, no matter how horrible the live action show ends up being, no matter if scientist prove that watching Star Wars deforms children, it will never stop. There’s a very good chance that in thirty years your childrens, childrens, children will be asking you to buy them the new Star Wars dream house, complete with Darth Vader’s motorcycle, and it makes me sick.