Last night, I fell down a Reddit-hole about my new favorite show, Riverdale. The show is campy, dramatic, and everything that teenage me (and 27-year-old me) needs to fill this weird dramatic void in my heart left by shows like The O.C., 90210, and The Vampire Diaries. Riverdale is no different--at least on the surface. What if this show is setting up for something more exciting? What if what we thought was a regular teen drama was setting up to be the next Walking Dead?

Hold on to your guitar while I drop some theories, buddy.

In 2013, Archie Comics began producing a series called Afterlife With Archie, an alternate reality tale of zombies in Riverdale. With the help of Sabrina (who will show up in Riverdale in the season finale as confirmed at SDCC), Jughead tries to revive his deceased dog Hot Dog and I think we can guess what happens next.  Here’s where the comic-to-show theory gets interesting, the writer of the comic (and chief creative officer at Archie Comics) is Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, who also happens to produce and oversee the production of Riverdale. Could this first season be setting up for something fantastic? With this theory fresh in my mind, I was hyped with ideas during this week’s episode, “Chapter Six: Faster Pussycats! Kill! Kill!” Here are some of (ok MOST of) the highlights:

  1. Jughead narrates the beginning of each episode for a book he’s writing. Is this book the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse?

  2. Betty has a ponytail even in childhood?

  3. God Mrs. Cooper is just...awful. Can she just stop with her snarky cynicism?

  4. Oh good, more Archie nonsense. Digging through his toy chest and finds a spooky wolf mask GIVE ME A BREAK ARCHIE I’M SICK OF YOUR SHIT.

  5. How many hours a day do you think Archie stands in front of a mirror admiring himself?

  6. Riverdale High hosts a variety show and Archie wants to audition. Why is the football team there? Obligatory heckling?

  7. Another day, another Archie crisis where he can’t sing in public. Nevermind he sang at homecoming or anything.

  8. Valerie: “Archie, I’m a Pussycat. You’re a...Archie. This can never be.”

  9. Sleuthster: Google Incognito Mode

  10. While Betty and Jughead have a serious conversation about her missing sister, Archie wants to know if he can help. Betty and Jughead respond with, “shh honey the grown ups are talking.”

  11. Can we rename this show “Thank God For Veronica?”

  12. “What do you say, Archiekins? Be the Jay to my Bey?” I both love and abhor this line.

  13. Pussycats practice. Why is Josie such a bitch?? This is not how I remember her...

  14. Guess how much I care about Mommy Lodge and Daddy Andrews? Not at all. No cares.

  15. Daddy Andrews bought tickets for all the guys at his work to see his son in the variety show, literally moments after Mommy Lodge told him the company has no money. I could run this business better.

  16. Mayor McCoy is weirdly stage managing Josie. “Get a woman of color.” Here? In Riverdale?

  17. Earlier this week, a one-shot prequel comic was released that ties into the show and so wonderfully explains Veronica’s relationship with her dad, so her anger at her mom for hooking up with Daddy Andrews is amplified 10x if you’ve read the comic.

  18. Veronica is having a rough day because Archie “Ginger Judas” Andrews kicked her out of his not-band and his dad is mackin’ on her mom. She’s having a rough day.

  19. If only all band auditions were so easy. “Are you angry? Do you like cat ears?”

  20. Betty and Jughead travel to Sister Mercy’s Home for Troubled Youths, and finds a PREGNANT POLLY???

  21. Part of the Afterlife theory is that Polly meets up with Sabrina in this scary nunnery.

  22. Also, “where was Betty when Polly was taken?” is answered in the prequel comic.

  23. Oh balls Polly doesn’t know about Jason. Oh no. OH NO.

  24. No texting during band practice, Veronica.

  25. No freestyling during band practice, Archie.

  26. Mrs. Cooper remains straight up evil.

  27. Exposition Dinner Theater, featuring the McCoy family.

  28. Papa McCoy is a La La Land wet dream.

  29. “Josephine? I had no idea that was your real name.” What did you think Josie was short for, Archie? Jostopher?

  30. Mr. Cooper did you kill Jason while your wife was belittling you?

  31. The Coopers should teach a class, Gaslighting 101.

  32. Riverdale: Daddy Issues.

  33. Archie, “Dad if I tank at the talent show will you still love me?” I JUST. Why is Archie so...Archie?

  34. Ok what if this development the Lodges are trying to build is like, some kind of evil research facility.

  35. Why is Archie dressed like he’s going to his first job interview?

  36. “I was born alone, I’ll die alone, I’ll sing alone.” Archie, king of Dramaticland.

  37. I’ll say it now: I do not ship Betty/Jughead. Can’t a boy and a girl just be friends?!

  38. Where do The Pussycats get their budget?? 

  39. Wow. Such product placement. Why do I have a sudden need for Covergirl mascara?

  40. Papa McCoy should just meet up with Ryan Gosling and they can save jazz together.

  41. Jason Blossom couldn’t run away without his letter jacket and bUNDLES OF DRUGS?

  42. Archie, in his head: Mumford and Sons. Archie, IRL: The lyrics “I’ll try” x 1000.

  43. Suddenly the football team is ok with him being a poet?

  44. No! Bad Archie and Valerie! Can’t you just be friends?!

  45. He got over Grundy real quick.

  46. The car is on fire! Polly is gone! Blood on the window!

WHY IS THIS SHOW ON ONLY ONCE A WEEK?

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Tags: Riverdale , Archie , CW