CRIMINAL (0 out of 10) Directed by Ariel Vromen; Written by Douglas Cook and David Weisberg; Starring Kevin Costner, Gal Gadot, Gary Oldman, Tommy Lee Jones and Ryan Reynolds; Rated R for strong violence and language throughout; Running time 113 min; In wide release April 15 , 2016.
Some movies are meant to be pure escapism – turn your brain off, munch popcorn and enjoy the spectacle in front of you – and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes what we need is that hour or two of absurdity to escape the doldrums of life and rebalance ourselves before returning to the real world. And if that’s all that “Criminal” was trying to do, then I could possibly give it a pass. Instead, it tries to pretend it’s much smarter than us, the “dumb” audience, and that is an unforgiveable offense.
Jericho Stewart (Kevin Costner) is a lifelong criminal who is a true sociopath and psychopath. Due to an accident as a child, his frontal lobes were damaged, so he literally has no way to tell right from wrong or what human emotions are like. Luckily for him, his prison sentence is cut short as he is needed by the CIA to be a human guinea pig for a memory transplant experiment. Before being killed in the field, Agent Bill Pope (Ryan Reynolds) hid the dangerous hacker, the Dutchman (Michael Pitt), whose newest virus can control the entire military might of the United States. CIA chief, Quaker Wells (Gary Oldman) needs Jericho to use Pope’s memories to find the Dutchman before the mustache-twirling terrorist, Hagbardaka Heimbahl (Jordi Molla) does. Jericho escapes CIA custody and heads out on his own vendetta to gain a fortune and find his freedom along the way.
If this all sounds incredibly familiar, that’s because it is very reminiscent of last year’s “Self/Less” which also starred Ryan Reynolds and was about implanting someone’s memories/psyche into another person’s body. As lackluster as that film was, it is an absolute masterpiece compared to this dreck.
It’s very obvious that none of the actors here even remotely care about what’s going on, and you can almost see the phones strapped to the side of their heads. The only one trying a little bit is Costner, but then this is his movie, so it’s expected he at least give 10%.
There is so much talent just going to waste! Gary Oldman gives the absolute worst performance of his life. All he does is swagger around set screaming and cursing at people and blaming them for all the horrible things happening. It’s like watching a drunken five year-old throwing a tantrum. And Tommy Lee Jones, shame on you! You’ve done so much amazing stuff. Here you’re just some milquetoast attempting to say sage things and “reason with the monster” a la Frankenstein with a worried look on your face like you know how badly this movie is going to turn out. Ryan Reynolds is literally in the movie for all of two minutes. They could have run his name in the credits as “man number three.”
Even Gal Gadot, who was a fantastic badass as Wonder Woman in “Batman v. Superman” can’t salvage anything here. As Pope’s widow, she tries to throw in some moral and emotional gravitas but ends up being little more than a prize at the end of Jericho’s quest. She couldn’t be playing more of a damsel than if she had been named Princess Peach.
Nothing makes sense here either. Jericho is supposed to rely on Pope’s memories to find the Dutchman, but instead of using the glimpses he gets to chase after more clues, he goes to visit the agent’s grieving widow and child. Why? Who knows! It would seem that the writers wanted to add a dose of human tenderness by making Jericho feel Pope’s love for his family, but it’s just entirely too stupid. Would you trust a strange, hulking man who broke into your house at night and duct taped you to your bed to interrogate you? No, of course not! Then why does “Criminal” make us think she will 20 minutes later when Jericho needs to get stitched up? Also, Jericho doesn’t suffer from the malady that keeps people from making new memories, so why is he so tortured when he begins to lose Pope’s memories as the film winds down? He literally says he can’t remember people’s names when they were just said to him moments before! And the writers expect us to nod and just go along with all of this! “Criminal” has an interesting premise, but instead of doing something clever with it, the writers basically blow us a raspberry the entire time and expect us to applaud and nod our heads sagely at the “message” they are trying to bring across.
And that’s what pushed me over the edge. As dumb as it was, “Criminal” could have just been a stupid action movie that would soon be forgotten. Instead, it assumes the audience is dumber than rocks and tries to pass itself off as something genuine and intellectual. This movie is pure garbage and has no redeeming value. It’s only four months in, and already we have a strong contender for worst movie of the year. Forget this one even exists.