The week of Christmas, I got a present in the mail. “Avengers vs X-Men XXX: An Axel Braun Parody” sitting alongside piles of junk mail and bills. Axel Braun, the director, is the biggest fanboy in porn. He’s known for making sure the costumes are just right, casting actors who look like the real thing, and creating sets that look like they jumped from the comic page to the screen. Making a parody in any medium is easy, but Braun’s productions set the bar pretty high.

Mail Presents!

The movie is loaded with surprises even before you load the DVD. It has two DVDs! One with the feature presentation, and one with bonus content which includes behind the scenes videos, a non-sex version (which is twenty minutes long whereas the actual film is two hours long), and a photo gallery.

 Two of them!

I feel like I should state that the night before I watched this, I hooked up my surround sound speakers because I was watching “Star Wars” but really that’s beside the point.

The movie begins...on a total bummer note. The opening scene features Doctor Strange dedicating a statue to the fallen team members. Iron Man, Jean Grey, Thor, and a few others were lost in the battle against Onslaught (is there a prequel to this that I missed?) and thus begins the mourning period for the Avengers and X-Men teams. Polaris (who I kept calling Green Scarlet Witch) wonders what will happen to the mutants now that Xavier is gone, and Mockingbird (who I will forever call Sunglasses) has some major survivor’s guilt and stresses she “should have been there.” Captain America tells her that Clint would have wanted her to survive. Seriously, this is a real downer so far.

Back at Xavier’s school, Colossus, Kitty, and Havok (NOT Gambit like I’ve been telling everyone) are dropping all kinds of X-Men references. Thunder claps and Havok says, “Storm has a way of expressing herself,” and Kitty exclaims she “can’t believe Wolverine didn’t make it to the service.” Colossus nearly trips over all the names dropped. He says there is no room left in the world for heroes and he’s going to go home to Russia. There are no more X-Men. Seriously, this is the saddest porn parody ever. Havok goes up to his room to be sad some more and Kitty follows, giving him a hug and they briefly talk. “I miss them too...bang it out?” Not an exact quote but you get the idea.

Twenty minutes later on the Avenger’s helicarrier, Nick Fury is trying to convince the remaining team to get back out there and do some avenging. He’s got motivating words too, “You think Dr. Doom and Galactus give a f@#% about how much time we need?” Mockingbird is still really struggling, here. Captain America is also having none of it and salutes Fury before leaving, “Go to hell, sir.” Mockingbird finds Cap sitting by a fireplace, looking out the window, being dour and looking almost exactly like Chris Evans. “I’ve been numb since Clint died,” she professes. “I just need to feel something...bang it out?” she kind of says.

Polaris/Green Scarlet Witch continues the trend of being a total downer by looking at a photo of the X-Men when Magneto swoops in and drops some knowledge that they both control magnetic fields so fighting each other would be a moot point. He explains his plan to her, saying Charles believed humans and mutants could live side by side, so he’ll continue striving towards that vision--by running the school. Polaris ain’t no dummy and knows that will be a problem, so she goes to talk to the remaining X-Men, including Psylocke who suggests they go for a drink…

...TO LUKE CAGE’S SUPERHERO BAR! Luke Cage is there! Wasp is there! Banshee is there! Strippers are there! Everyone makes fun of Luke’s old costume. This is probably the most fun we’ll see in this movie. While Wasp bemoans her existence to Banshee (“I was just a scientist’s wife...bang it out?”) and everyone else just shoots the breeze, the Purple Man (!!!) strolls in looking for Daredevil. He tries to use his mind control powers on the heroes to coerce them into finding Daredevil but they’re having none of that and defeat him in some off screen fight that I’m sure would have been awesome. Post fight, Psylocke, Luke Cage, and Green Polaris are sitting in the destroyed bar and Polaris states the Purple Man is the “Worst. Villian. Ever.” The nerd in me begins to rage but then remembers this is not canon. Psylocke does the ol’ “Well now that fight is done...bang it out?”

Never Forget

Cut to the helicarrier where Doctor Strange is explaining to Captain America and Nick Fury that he believes the fallen heroes have been transported to a different plane of existence and sweet, dumb Captain America is so confused by the theory that I want this sweet golden retriever of a super soldier to come live at my house. The scene shifts to Spider-Man breaking into...a house? And Black Cat is there? And Spider-Man tells her to be safe and sit this fight out? And they do not bang it out? It’s a bit of a weird scene, but necessary when…

...Nick Fury learns that Magneto plans to take over Xavier’s school and tells the remaining Avenger’s the gotta assemble because this is not ok. At the school, Storm is telling Magneto that this is not ok and Black Cat, for whatever reason, is lounging on the couch ready to tell Magneto that the Avengers are coming and they are going to mess. him. up. so he better step down. In classic porn dialogue, she purrs, “Is there anything I can do to convince you? Maybe...bang it out?” It all wraps up quite neatly. Magneto agrees not to run the school (oh, well, that was easy I guess. Can we wage all wars like this?) but we hear the helicarrier landing and the Avengers descending. The remaining X-Men line up, ready to fight--as the movie ends.

Do the Avengers and X-Men duke it out? Does everyone get over their mushy feelings? Does Doctor Strange ever find the lost heroes? Stay tuned. I think.

 

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Tags: The Avengers , Porn Parody , xmen