Hello folks! Dr. Cyborg just got himself a new gig. It doesn’t pay as well, but I love what I do. Today we’ll be shoving our camera up the ass of a few comic books that I’ve read recently, and hopefully finding out if they are in good health or not.

First up, Ultimate Avenger’s #1-4

Written by ultra mega star Mark Millar, I thought this was a pretty safe bet going in, and in that way it didn’t defy my expectations. I sure do appreciate Captain America kicking some ass, but I found that I like it a little bit better to see him get his ass kicked. Therefore I think my favorite issue so far was #1. But I like the direction it’s going in, and knowing Mark Millar it’s going to get a lot better. (Aside for Old Man Logan, which blew its load early, peaked, and then ended okay.) For anyone that hasn’t read this title yet, I suggest jumping on board. You won’t be disappointed, and you don’t have to know what’s been going on to appreciate it. (I know because no one knows what went on in Ultimatum.)

I haven’t had this much fun since Jr. prom! -Slugtron

Overview: It’s a good looking ass-hole, no debris, no irritation. I’m taking a wild guess that they are using a premium fluffy toilet paper, and possibly applying lotion afterward.

Prognosis: Colon in good order.

Suggested retail price: Priceless!

Next up is, The Haunt #1-4

Robert Kirkman, and what’s his names, new baby. (ummm…Todd Mcfarlane I think?) while it seems to me that even Mcfarlane is giving most of the credit to Kirkman on this one, it does have more of a Spawn feel. A special agent gets killed, then haunts his brother that’s a priest, who is now in a sticky situation because of his association with said dead brother. The spirit and the priest somehow combine, turning them into a sort of grim superhero.

Well, I didn’t hate Spawn, and I don’t hate this. I think Kirkman is good at writing this type of arcane gore, and he is  good at the slow reveal of the characters pasts. I just don’t know how interested I am in these characters anyways. The book does look awesome, with pencils by Ryan Ottley, but I just haven’t committed myself fully to this book yet. Invincible, and Walking Dead seem to be a little more my cup of tea. Although if you are still into what Spawn had to offer than you should definitely be on this book.

Overview: While this anus appears in good order, on examination of the fecal matter there seems to be traces of blood. Something you want to watch out for. I would give it a few months, and see if things have cleared up.

Prognosis: Possible mud-butt.

Almost as good as the robot equivalent to menstruating! -Slugtron

Suggested retail price: $2.99

Next we have Ultimate Spider-Man Vol.2 #1-6

I have to give it to Bendis, he can write a lot of comic books… I don’t think he’s doing a horrible job either, he’s definitely got me reading. My biggest problem with Bendis is I think he is only funny half the time. He writes an entertaining comic but he doesn’t know when to stop. His touching moments aren’t touching, and it doesn’t help that David Lafuente is only passable half the time as well. Some of his pages make me stop and say, “…” while others make me utter words. The point is, I like the direction of this book, it is a good read, but it lacks excellence.

What it lacks in looks, it makes up for in…Well at least it has pages.  –Slugtron

Overview: This ass-hole isn’t wiped well enough. The left over feces is irritating the skin around the anus, but it hasn’t become infected as of yet.

Prognosis: A smelly, but healthy ass-hole.

Suggested retail price: $3.99 (a little high for this book in my opinion.)

Join us next time when Dr. Cyborg illegally shows you other comics private medical charts! You’ll never guess what comic book character dying  of spastic dysentery!